As we grow older we tend to learn a little bit more about ourselves.

what we like, what we hate...

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i'm not extroverted by nature really. i just am because i have to and yes, because i want to.

i was giving chooi kueh an illustration the other day about coming out of our comfort zone. And i told her about how much i actually like being alone and how much i dislike being in crowds and being known as the outspoken one. and i she was like no, you cant be! .. Oh wells. Things arent always as it seems. :)

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My mum once told me that when i was a kid, i'd just sit quietly at one corner and play by myself. other than the fact that i'm an only child (and its a HORRIBLE fact), I never had much opportunity to do so either. (cos i was always locked up at home and I'm never allowed to play with my neighbours. okay, not exactly never. but if i get to play with them, we're separated by the gate. meaning, that poor fella have to sit outside my door! haha) But Dont get me wrong. My parents and grandparents arent overly protective. in fact they give me all the freedom i need. its like when i went to hongkong, i just decided, book the flight then tell my parents that i'm going. ANYWAYS. back to the point. yeah, i was the quiet kid around.

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Honestly, i dont think anyone is really extroverted or introverted by nature. its more like a choice thingy?

put me in a room filled with quiet people and i'll make the first move to break the ice.

i mean, someone has to do it first right...

maybe thats where people start developing their perception about you that you're loud, RAH RAH kid around. but the actual fact is that you like to be alone most of the time?

its like if i decide to sit down, be by myself for like 1 sec, people will start thinking that i'm emo-ing or i have some Major problem going on.. ugh.

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And since i'm so outspoken, people probably think that she's got it all, tons of friends etc.. but really, its not like that. heh.

its like when i'm in primary school i was in a group of 4. and the other 3 is closer to each other and i'm just part of clique but not exactly close to anyone. and in secondary school, of all the cliques that i've been in, i'm always just there and never realllyyy part of it? and in poly errm.. not really close to anyone. so oh wells.

i guess its just me haha. i can talk alot and make friends, but i dont know how to be personal? heh (must try and learn then. :) )

probably cos i'm not really good with words or with actions. like i cant walk over to someone and give them a hug randomly, stick my face with you and take a picture like we're so close, hold your hand and shop together or give you a pat and lend you my shoulder when you're crying..

and because of that, it seems like i dont care.. but i really really do! its all in the mind. As in, i care alot but my body and mouth dont react accordingly?

and i cant cry alot. if i cry, its always silently. i cant groan and start wailing that much. even during the altar call... its always alot of tears but i'm biting my lips to stop myself from crying. (i know. this is bad)

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so really. i'm not all that extroverted and loud. so oh wells..

at the end of the day, i dont think alot of people know me well. maybe a handful. or perhaps one or two.

heh Told you i'm not good with expressing myself with words. cos i have no idea what i just typed. haha probably just rattling on and on i guess.